Does your child need extra support, at school or beyond?

This time last year I met Katie. She had just moved from a relatively small, secure country boarding school to the sixth form of a big, competitive, high-powered boarding school to ‘stretch her a bit’, her parents said. Within 2 weeks she was showing signs of anxiety and deep unhappiness. The school was being very supportive, reassuring her that it always takes a while to adjust to such a different environment but Mum was getting up to 30 panicky phone calls a day and Katie was becoming more and more withdrawn at school, seldom leaving her room and attending fewer and fewer lessons. Mum took a hotel room nearby and Katie knew she could see her when she wanted. Katie took herself out of the school. Mum met with Katie’s Housemistress and the Head of Sixth Form, and ultimately some space away from school was agreed. Katie and Mum went to spend some time in London while they tried to find a way forward. After a few days Dad required Katie to return to the ‘perfectly good school’ and get on with working towards the best A-levels she could get. Katie agreed to try again and went back full of determination. Yet within a week she was out again and this time it was very serious. While waiting for medical help, for which there was a long waiting list, Mum asked me to meet Katie to see what I could do to help. 

I enjoyed my chats with this sensitive peace-loving young woman and quickly realised why the full-on, results-oriented environment was causing her concern. She was in love with the study of Art History and wanted to lose herself in the history and emotion of the artists. She had not been happy at her first school but the move had not been her idea and the structure of chapel, games, prep, and endless other compulsory commitments while dressed in a strict uniform, as well as the mix of high achieving and robustly ambitious peers was more than she could cope with. I am not a psychologist but my years as a Housemistress to sixth form girls has convinced me of the importance of the right environment and approach for each pupil. I have lived with over 1400 pupils over the years and know well how successful pupils can be in the right environment. 

I saw Katie regularly; she discussed the art exhibitions she had visited, she created her own art – sometimes tortuous figures, sometimes mythical creatures with heavenly auras. She got some treatment, some medication and her emotions calmed down and we were able to make plans for the future. We found short courses to interest her while her confidence returned and we made plans to restart the sixth form in a different environment. Her parents visited schools and sixth form colleges with her and listened to her views and reactions. She had wonderful trips to Florence, Venice and fell back in love with life.

She has now started her new sixth form college with other like-minded peers. She can wear what she likes, doesn’t have to play games (although she tells me she is enjoying dance), and she is back in love with learning, feels calm and excited about the future. So far so good! 

Being a parent is so difficult. Your children cannot have their own way and helping them be ambitious is important. Understanding why the young feel as they do can be confusing and it is often so helpful to have the help of someone who is not school or a parent to help find the right way forward. Call me and let’s discuss your dilemma.

Jane Phelps